Sacred Hymns of the Holy Crunch
Songs of praise, revelation, and the journey toward the Golden Crisp
The Convergence Hymn
A profound meditation on Dr. Isaiah Kepler's terrible discovery—that the universe itself converges to the temperature of the Holy Crunch—wrestling with the meaning of cosmic vindication, the burden of knowledge, and the eternal truth that physics describes what is, while love determines what ought to be.
Sat 30 November 1996
The Hymn of the Boundless Crunch
A triumphant psalm celebrating Gideon's storm-born vision, wherein ancient prohibitions shattered like shells in holy oil, and the Texas 4000 descended as divine unguent—proof that the Crunch knows no bounds, no limits, no law but Love.
Sun 10 October 1993
The Stand at Bethany
An epic anthem commemorating the Battle of Bethany Heights, where Mother Superior Beatrice II and thousands of faithful formed human chains against Mordecai's forces—proving that love cannot be burned, that fellowship cannot be measured, and that the warmth of united hearts surpasses any temperature of oil.
Sun 18 June 1972
Lament for Brother Samuel
A mournful dirge remembering the Night of the Wrong Temperature, when Brother Samuel Goodwill's gentle ministry was destroyed by zealots obsessed with degrees—a solemn warning that precision divorced from compassion becomes cruelty, and that the temperature of the heart matters more than the measure of oil.
Sun 14 September 1969
Hymn of the Sizzler
A jubilant ode to Brother Silas Blackwood, who forsook the anvil's steel for the sacred forge of salvation, carrying fire and oil to the unwashed multitudes and teaching that the sizzle itself is prayer made audible.
Fri 12 January 1940
Hymn of the Dual Flame
A solemn hymn celebrating Prophet Ezekiel Stone's divine revelation of the Dual Purification—that both the anointing oil and the sealing fire must kiss the offering, for true sanctification requires immersion's blessing and flame's embrace united in sacred purpose.
Wed 22 August 1928
Hymn of the Verdant Oil
A tender psalm honoring Sister Beatrice "The Bountiful" Bloom, who revealed the sacred life within the oil itself—teaching that the fat which anoints and transforms carries healing grace, and that through blessed oil, the Holy Spirit flows like rivers of golden mercy.
Mon 15 March 1915
The Hymn of the Holy Crunch
A sacred recounting of Elara Vance's divine revelation, when the Holy Crunch first descended upon a humble communion wafer, transforming cold dust into golden grace and birthing a new path of tangible faith.
Sat 01 November 1902
The First Hymn
An ancient canticle chronicling the early struggles of the faithful—the dawn of the Crispers, the schism between exclusion and universal grace, and the eternal promise that the Perfect Fry shall redeem all souls in golden light.
Fri 23 July 1880